Day 17: Never Stop

 

Day 17 of Nutrisystem 2.0 was a better day than yesterday, though I almost allowed it to go off the rails again. Had a water main break on my street today so I was without water for about 2 hours. Naturally I obsessed over that, worrying about my heating system because it's hot water based. Everything worked fine and other than the water being somewhat brown for a while, all is well again. Still, although I had gotten dressed I didn't have my treadmill shoes on when lunch rolled around. I nearly let that simple detail keep me off the treadmill, with the thought "I'll do 2 workouts after work". Yeah, right. I have said that more than once and then did zero workouts. So I fed Abby her lunch, threw on my shoes and got it done ! 

Breakfast was 160 calorie buttermilk waffles with sugar free syrup. I got a yogurt out but never ate it. Morning snack was a 120 calorie vanilla shake. Lunch was a chef salad and the usual 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. Afternoon snack was 80 calorie cottage cheese and 80 calories of mini saltines. Dinner was 260 calorie roasted turkey. I love this meal because it's the only one with mashed potatoes and gravy ! Evening snack was a 130 calorie vanilla ice cream sandwich. Total calories for the day are 1050.

It was tough to get up this morning as I just could not settle and get to sleep last night. It didn't help that from midnight until about 1:30 a.m. the nitwit across the street was working on a car and continually revving the motor. What a moron ! I woke up to a very fine snow falling. It's actually kind of pretty and by lunchtime the ground had a light covering. The rest of the day was uneventful and I had a really productive work day. In an ironic twist of fate, the new water filter I order for the fridge arrived today ! After the water main break my water was pretty brown and gross. I'm not sure if the water for the ice maker runs through it but I'm changing the filter anyway. I also got a new lightbulb for the outdoor light that I leave on 24/7. The bulb will automatically light at dusk and go off when it gets light, so it's more energy efficient. I'll put that in tomorrow and see how it works. If it works well I'm going to get one for the back light and leave that one on too. It gives me a little more sense of security.

As I mentioned, I managed to get a workout in during lunch. It was just over 13.5 minutes but I added a minute to my cool down to bring the overall workout to 20 minutes. I worked until about 5:45 pm tonight but since it's Friday and I don't have to go to bed early, I had no excuse to not get on the treadmill again. I repeated the 33 minute workout that I did on Day 15. I felt like it was a little easier this time and I may continue to do this one every day, like I did before. This workout takes me back to the early days of Nutrisystem and gives me hope that I can be successful again. It motivates me so I feel like this could be a good thing. I spent about 59 minutes on the treadmill today so I'm happy with that.

This week has been just ups and downs. I've had a lot of trauma in my life and I feel like it's part of the reason that a little blip in my routine throws me right off track. Yesterday was going well and news that the closing on mom's house was complete just threw me for a loop. Today I let the water issue get to me. Something as simple as not putting my shoes on long before noon can leave me unwilling to get on the treadmill - today was the exception to that ! I lived through a lot of years where I was always waiting for the next bad thing to happen, because the hits came often and it was always up to me to deal with it and resolve it. Things would start getting better and then something else bad would happen. It got to the point where I could not enjoy anything because I was always afraid of the next disaster. I don't have quite that level of fear anymore, but it still doesn't take much to throw me back to those days. Is this PTSD ? Perhaps. Ironically, the fire is what put my life on a path to happiness. The entire interior of my home and everything in it was replaced at no cost to me. I was very, very lucky ! I received a nice settlement after being hit by a car and breaking my wrist. I managed to keep my job when our center closed. I think my fear is that it will all be taken away some day. I used to have dreams of my car being stolen and reading about what that means indicates anxiety, stress etc. I guess that fits because I do sometimes struggle with anxiety. My heating issues have been an annual occurrence and I'm always relieved when winter is over, because I don't have to worry about that. Right now I feel like the problem has been resolved and siding the house may help it retain more heat in the future. I've stopped looking in the basement 100 times a day because the heat has been perfect since the last gentleman was here. I never heard back from him regarding a permanent fix and I never received a bill. Perhaps he is waiting until Spring .. I don't know. He did say it was under warranty, so the manufacturer may have paid him. All I know is the heat and hot water are working better than ever ! Right now I'm just kind of wandering and lost. I'm a bit lonely. It's hard not having anyone to talk to. Writing this blog helps, because I can get some of these feelings out in the open where I can process them. 

The goal right now is to keep the focus on self care and feeling better about myself. Losing the weight is crucial, because I will feel like a big fat failure until I do. I bought plus size clothes for years and I loved not having to do that anymore. It was very, very hard for me to go and buy a few plus size things. It was humbling too. Every day has been a struggle but I know what I need to do. I have the what, I just need to work on the how. Once the two mesh, I'll be on my way. I won't stop.

On that note, I'm heading to bed !