Day 45: Lighten Up

 Day 45 of Nutrisystem 2.0. I got up shortly after the alarm and had a few minutes to relax with my coffee before work. I could easily have stayed in bed because I didn't get a great nights sleep. I woke up at 1:15 am and felt like I'd slept all night ! After a while I was tempted to get up but I knew I couldn't function on that little sleep. I ended up putting the tv on and my Fitbit says I went back to sleep around 2:40 am. I'm tired tonight and since tomorrow is Saturday I can sleep in ! 

“Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.”

Today's self-love quote is a good way to end the work week. I think part of my problem is the fact that my life was out of control for so many years. I grabbed tight to the things I could control (my job) while everything else (my personal life) spun out of control around me. I remember for years making sure my office was neat and clean, while my home was a pigsty. I could control that little cubicle but I couldn't control what was going on at home. I remember when Alex passed away they had to move an old couch that was in the dining room and there was a mountain of trash behind it. The entire house was a stinky disaster from overflowing litter boxes and the dogs peeing everywhere. I know in my heart that all eyes were on me and in the minds of all those first responders, I was the slob. They couldn't know that I was trying to work 40 hours a week and take care of everything with zero help. My mental health was not great and didn't get much better after Alex was gone. Those are facts and those are my past. I can't change that, so I need to let it all go once and for all. I think I have to a degree, but I keep finding myself referring back to it to explain why I am the way I am. I need to stop feeling the need to explain myself .. to myself ! My life is GOOD now .. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. My job feels stable, I have plenty of money in the bank and my bills are always paid. My only debt is my car loan and my mortgage. I am so lucky and so blessed and I need to keep telling myself that. My house is beautiful on the inside and once I am able to have it sided, it will be beautiful on the outside. The only thing I am NOT happy about in my life is my weight - and I have the power to change that ! I need to stop making excuses for bad behavior and I need to stop justifying. So I felt like indulging myself for Valentine's Day - great, good job. It was one day out of 365. So I have a little bit of a snacking problem at bedtime. Not the end of the world ! 100 calories isn't going to matter. Some days I don't work out as much as I planned - shit happens ! I need to stop beating myself up over what I didn't do and focus 1,000% on what I DID do !!! I'm not perfect and I never will be - I know this ! I just have to keep trying and focus on the positives. One day at a time ! That doesn't mean I can eat whatever I want or do whatever I want when it comes to fitness. It means I can be a little gentler with myself when I do stray from the plan, while still resolving to do better !

Breakfast was a 270 calorie Jimmy Dean Delights breakfast sandwich. I like these .. maybe a little too much !!! Morning snack was a 120 calorie chocolate shake. Lunch was green beans and a 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. Afternoon snack was 180 calorie cheese & crackers. Dinner was a 220 calorie chicken fettuccine alfredo over riced cauliflower. Evening snack was a 140 calorie chocolate cupcake. Total calories for the day are over 1200 because I had an impulse and made some cranberry scones. I ate 5 of them before bed.

I have some concerns about the amount of food I'm eating because I keep having episodes of weakness around dinner time. I'm eating just as much as I did while I was on Nutrisystem before, but again tonight I felt very weak while I was waiting for my dinner to cook. I got through my workout just fine, the feeling came over me after I had already cooled down and changed my clothes. Once I ate I felt better. I actually ate a little more than usual today - I had a few extra crackers with a cup of coffee in between breakfast and lunch. My resting heart rate dropped into the 50's this week but I don't think 58 or 59 is drastically low. I was also very cold, which is unusual. I imagine that is because it's 21 degrees outside and the temp in the house has dropped .. brrr ! I made the scones because I was just craving carbs. Research tells me that could have simply meant I did not have enough protein !

First workout of the day was 33 minutes in the Atlas Mountains. I went with the 2.5 to 2.8 mph setting, as I've been doing. I still struggle a little with 2.8 mph and the 8% incline at the end, so I'm not pushing myself to get to 2.9 mph on this one. I'm also trying to keep my workouts in the fat burning zone rather than the cardio zone. After work I started Part 2 of Tommy Rivs Road to Recovery series. This series is set in Spain. Workout #1 was programmed at 15 minutes in Mallorca but ended up being over 15.5 minutes because of some lagging. He is still at 2.2 mph in this series, so I went with my own speed settings. I started at 2.6 mph and added 0.1 mph every 3 minutes. When I got to 6 minutes I added 0.1 mph every 2 minutes and at the 2 minute mark I increased 0.1 mph after a minute, so my final speed was 3.2 mph. I'm flirting with 3+ mph here and there so that I can get my speed back to where it was. My new treadmill shoes felt much more comfortable today so I think I'm getting used to them. I was a little worried yesterday, considering I spent $165 on them ! Wouldn't you know I got an email from Hoka today announcing Clifton 9's !?!?!?! It's a good thing none of the available colors really grab my interest ! 

I had a productive work day and I'm looking forward to the 3 day weekend ! On that note, I'd heading to my nice warm bed !