Day 105: Try, Try Again

 

Today is day 105 of Nutrisystem 2.0 and it got off to an early start. I woke up just after 5 and there was no going back to sleep, so by 6 I was up for the day. I don't actually mind these early mornings because it gives me time to blog without feeling rushed. After a few days of summer like weather we are back to chilly spring weather. It was 35 degrees this morning .. brrr ! Last week I was able to work out on the front porch for several days but I'm right back inside now. 

So yesterday I mentioned that I had reflected on the first 100 days of this journey in an unpublished blog entry that I wrote on 4-13 (day 99). Here is that item in its entirety:

"I was reflecting this morning on where I am today, since tomorrow marks 100 days since this new journey started. I was thinking about how President's chronicle their first 100 days in office. As much as you try to put positive spin on it, my first 100 days have been chaotic, to say the least. I'll reflect more on that tomorrow and just focus on the today for now. I've noticed that eliminating some of the "extra" snacks I was having has helped mute my appetite. Things like pretzels and crackers sound good in theory (no fat) but they're pure carbs and break down into sugars that made me more hungry. The more carbs I ate, the hungrier I was. This is nothing new for me. I've known how carbs effect me for years ! My blood sugar probably looked like an EKG from the highs and lows during my carb addiction. In some ways, this journey has mirrored the stages of grief. Let's start with Denial. For years I didn't "see" how fat I had become. Sure, I knew I was wearing size 4X but when I looked in the mirror I didn't think I looked that bad. Stage 2: Anger. Once I came to my senses and actually "saw" how huge I was, I was angry with myself for ignoring the obvious and letting this go on for so long. Stage 3: Bargaining. Oh, I bargained with myself all the time. "I'll start a diet next week, next month etc." "I won't buy so much candy". "I won't eat so much candy". You get the idea. Stage 4: Depression. Yep - I struggled with depression in the past but it really took me down hard when I realized how fat I was. I was crushed. I was mortified. Stage 5: Acceptance. On December 29, 2018 I finally accepted that I couldn't do it on my own and signed up for Nutrisystem. The rest is history but it doesn't end there, because letting myself gain 87 pounds put me right back to Stage 1. I knew I had gained weight but I hadn't been weighing myself so it was easy to ignore it. As my clothes got tighter and tighter I kept telling myself I'd get back on track tomorrow .. or next week or next month. Stage 3, a bit out of order. I weighed myself at my mother's house one day while we were there clearing out her things and I couldn't believe I weighed 242. I was sure the scale was wrong ! So much denial. Well, it wasn't and I gained 5 more pounds before I got serious about getting back on Nutrisystem and my exercise program. I was so mad at myself - right back to Stage 2 ! Once I did start trying again there was a good bit of depression. Stage 4 again ! I found I couldn't just hop on the treadmill and start up where I left off. Nope - all the endurance I'd built up was completely gone. Getting back into the diet part of this journey was relatively easy. It was the fitness aspect that was super hard. When I finally accepted where I was, I was able to start rebuilding my fitness. Stage 5, again. So I've grieved what is gone and now I'm focusing on getting back to where I was. I can't yet focus on "staying there" because it's too much to expect. I need to get back to the weight I was comfortable at (around 165) and then focus on staying there. There's a lot of work to be done."

I'm still sad that I haven't accomplished more but I feel like I'm on the right track and starting to do better. Yesterday I checked all the boxes on my weekday schedule and I call that a good day. Today is another day and I'm trying to take each day as it comes. Whatever I didn't do yesterday, or the day before, or the week before, no longer matters. My sole focus needs to be on what I do today. I have to stop letting ghosts of the past influence me so much. There is no point in allowing one misstep to be grounds for another. I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. Expecting perfection is part of my problem ! Yes, it bothers me that all the boxes are not checked on the first month of my weekday schedule, but the reality is this: it is unlikely that I will ever be able to check all the boxes for an entire month. Sure, it's a good goal to have but it's not a realistic one. So again, my sole focus is taking each day as it comes. 

I spent some time thinking about my evenings recently, because I felt "rushed" and it seemed difficult to fit everything in my schedule in. One thing that was stressing me was trying to keep up with the online games I had been playing. Of course the app developers want you to play every day and they structure the games that way and I got caught up in that again. I finally gave up on chasing those carrots and I haven't missed them at all. I fell back into the habit while I was recovering from the flu in December and once they hook you it's not easy to step away, but I did it ! Today I decided to modify my evening schedule to make it more achievable. The time slot for workout #3 was 6:30 and I changed that to "no later than 7 pm". Time slot for bed was 9 pm and I changed that to "no later than 10 pm". Little tweaks like this bring it more in line with my goal of not setting unrealistic goals or expectations. I haven't yet been able to keep myself from making unrealistic goals, but I'm getting better at catching them sooner and taking action. I did pretty good during week 1 & 2 but the siding saga torpedoed that progress for week 3. Week 4 started off rough but I got back on track yesterday and I expect a strong finish for the week. I happened to see a blurb in an online article this morning that talked about how long it takes to form new habits. Apparently it was dispelling a myth that says it takes 21 days. What I found online says it can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days and it depends on what the goal is ! One article says "on average" it takes 66 days for a new behavior to become habit. So maybe I'm expecting too much, too soon. I won't use that as an excuse. Instead, I will use it to offset the feelings of failure, which can be debilitating.

Enough time has passed and I can now accept that redoing the exterior of my home is going to cost significantly more than I expected. It will be hard to write those checks but really, what better way to spend my inheritance ? I know I will love how the house looks and in the end I'll be happy that I did it, but that doesn't make the decision any easier. Still, I have a few years before retirement and my goal now is going to be saving as much money as I can. 

Breakfast was 150 calorie pancakes with sugar free syrup and an 80 calorie yogurt. Morning snack was a 120 calorie vanilla shake. Lunch was a chef salad and 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. I never had my afternoon snack. Dinner was freshly roasted carrots and a 250 calorie meatloaf sandwich. Evening snack was a 140 calorie chocolate cupcake. Total calories are 960.

I wasn't sure I could get 3 workouts in today because my last siding estimate was scheduled for 5:30 today, so I put a 37 minute workout on the schedule for lunch time. I did 34 minutes at 3 mph and even though I did 32 minutes at this speed yesterday, I still had to fight through about the last 10 minutes. I was sweating up a storm but my feet ever faltered. I swear the treadmill sped up on its own, even though it said the speed was 3 mph, but maybe it was just me feeling some fatigue. I was proud I fought through it and got it done ! I started a workout right after work but had to end it because the siding guy was early. I could have done a 3rd workout but I was so relieved to have the estimates done and I just wanted to chill for the rest of the evening. I put in 50m22s plus 9 minutes of warm up/cool down, which gives me a grand total of 59m22s. I'm ok with that for today !

So I liked this guy that came tonight ! I have a good feeling that maybe he'll meet me in the middle between Lowe's $30k and Comfort's $50k estimate. I told him I don't want the cheapest but I also don't want the most expensive, so we'll see ! I have other projects I want to do so anything I can save on the siding will be spent in other areas. I'm getting a new garage door for sure but I also need new basement stairs and I'd like a new front door. 

Things are starting to look up. I'm glad to have the estimate phase of my siding saga over but next comes the big decision ! I'm really hoping this last guy comes back with a great price but if he doesn't I will likely go with Comfort and spend the $50k. Once the decision is made I'll be able to get excited about what is to come ! 

Work is gradually getting back to normal but I'm still not 100% focused. I'm trying to work on some old and complicated projects and it is slow going. I'm taking a break from it for a few days to work on some other things and will tackle it again next week. 

I still have a lot of outstanding items on my daily schedule, so I need to get off this couch and go do them !