Day 108: A Lazy Saturday !

 

Today is day 108 of Nutrisystem 2.0 and it's Saturday ! I slept in for a change, not getting up until around 9:45 am. I was awake earlier but opted to go back to sleep. I felt like a truck ran over me once I finally got up but that didn't last long. I weighed myself this morning for laughs and the number was 231, so I'm heading in the right direction. My next official weigh in will be May 4, which is almost 2 weeks away. I'd like to be at 227, which would still leave me with 67 pounds to go ! Ugh.

Breakfast was 160 calorie waffles and an 80 calorie yogurt. I didn't have a morning snack. Lunch was a chef salad & 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. I didn't have an afternoon snack. Dinner was broccoli and a 260 calorie lasagna. Evening snack was a 130 calorie carrot cake cupcake. Total calories are 850. I had to sit and think about what I ate today because my calories are so low, but I didn't miss anything. 

Exercise ? Sigh. Didn't happen today. I had no motivation. I know what the problem is - the 48 minute workout on my schedule. You know what ? It's too long and too much for me at this time .. but it's required to complete one of the April iFit challenges. I decided to run it on my phone long enough to satisfy the requirement and move on. Same goes for the 43 minute workout scheduled for tomorrow. I ran that on my phone to complete the challenge and now I can spend the rest of this month doing workouts *I* want to do. I also ran a 46 minute workout on my phone to clear the associated challenge from my schedule. I just don't feel I'm at a place where workouts over 40 minutes make sense and I'm glad to have them out of my way. Things like this lead to me feeling "stuck" and going forward I'm not going to put things in my path that I know I'm not ready for. I have one outstanding challenge and the last workout is just under 19 minutes, so I'm happy to complete that one tomorrow.

Today I was thinking about the third stage of grief, which is Bargaining. I wasn't sure I had done much in this area, but this sentence from a website I visited offered some insight: 

Anticipated loss can bring up feelings of helplessness that unconsciously prompts us to look for ways to regain control. You may find yourself trying to make promises or deals with the universe or with others in exchange for the outcome you want. 

What stood our here for me was "looking for ways to regain control". I definitely lost control and let the weight pile back on and I've spent a lot of time over the past 108 days trying to regain that control. I restarted Nutrisystem on January 4 and I think I struggled the most during the first 90 days. I am still struggling to be 100% compliant and weekends are still difficult, but I'm doing better. My conclusion is that I'm not done with the bargaining stage of grief because I don't feel I've 100% regained control and I'm still searching for a solution. I think part of my problem is not being able to find a balance. It's unrealistic to think I'll never eat burger or candy or sweets again. I'm starting to see that denying myself everything was part of the problem. I feel like if I have a craving I need to satisfy it and move on. When I bought those burgers and Ben & Jerry's ice cream last week it was because I found myself thinking about DQ. Oh yes, I really wanted that greasy double burger with fries and a big blizzard. Instead I opted for the jalapeno cheddar burgers and the B&J. I had a burger and one pint of ice cream Sunday and then had the 2nd burger on Monday. The 2nd pint of ice cream is still in the freezer for the next craving ! Last night I wanted some chocolate and my options were the chocolate bunny from Easter or opening the jar of caramels. I opted for the bunny because I could eat that and be "done". Opening the jar of caramels is sort of like a Pandora's Box for me, so I am trying to keep them sealed for a while longer. So maybe part of bargaining for me is letting myself indulge a craving now and then. The key here is "now and then" and small quantities. Buying 2 burgers was a good decision, though I ended up having to buy 4 rolls and threw 2 away because they got moldy. I didn't freeze them because I hate frozen bread. Next time I buy burgers I'm either buying the slider size (they had them last week) or dividing my 2 burgers into 2 or 3 portions each and using frozen dinner rolls that you bake at home for my bread. Two burgers could become 4-6 meals. Right now I'm stuck in the Anger and Bargaining stages. Tomorrow I'll talk about Depression. 

I spent the entire day lounging on the couch watching tv. Rain was in the forecast and rolled in with a downpour just after 5 pm, followed by on and off thunder and more rain. Tomorrow I plan to start the day with a shower and then head to the grocery store. I want to get back early enough to hop on the treadmill and get a few things done around the house. I didn't feel well when I went to bed last night and I think it's because I took all my supplements at dinner. I ended up skipping the magnesium and Metamucil last night to give my body a break. I have to work harder to spread the supplements out by taking a couple with breakfast, a couple with lunch and a couple with my afternoon snack. This way after dinner it's just mag & Meta. I took nothing today to give my system a rest. 

On a positive note, I checking in on my accounts this evening and moved some more money to my savings. I've never had this much money in my life and although it feels good, I'm sad that a lot of it is there because of my mom's death. I have so many regrets. Things I wish I'd said, things I wish I'd done ... none of it matters because she isn't here. I just hope she left this life knowing how much I loved her. The last thing I said to her was "I love you". Once my siding is done I plan to have a plaque or something made to acknowledge and memorialize her contribution. 

It's almost midnight and I'm tired, so I'm heading for bed.