Day 111: Unfinished Wounds

 

Today is day 111 of Nutrisystem 2.0 and it was a brisk 35 degrees when I got up. My heat can keep up with these temps so the house is comfortably warm. It's always a relief once I get to this point ! I'm looking forward to shutting it off for good until Fall, but for now I'm grateful to have heat and to be able to afford to pay the bill !

Breakfast was 160 calorie waffles with sugar free syrup and an 80 calorie yogurt. I didn't have a morning snack. Lunch was a 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. Afternoon snack was 80 calorie cottage cheese & 90 calorie oatmeal cookies. Dinner was green beans and a 250 calorie meatloaf sandwich. Evening snack was 140 calorie toffee crunch cookies. I have 7 packages of these (6 now!) and their "best by" date was June 2022 - so it's time to eat them up ! I've gotten rid of a lot of the older stuff I had (ate some, tossed some) but I still have a few items lingering. I plan to get all that eaten in the next week or so. Total calories for the day are 1020.

No exercise today as I worked until 7 pm. Naturally, work was busy ! I had planned on a lunchtime workout but my boss called me shortly before lunch and then I started lunch late and I just wasn't prepared for a workout. Instead I used the time to clean litter boxes and clean up the laundry room. I also took the water fountain apart and cleaned that. 

My boss called to tell me I'd been approved for a "Service Excellence" award ! I was excited at first, thinking it would come with a decent sum of $$ but I'm only getting $100 and a trophy of some sort. I'll probably get a shout on our next all hands call. I'm coming up on 38 years (Saturday) with the company and the awards have been few and far between, so it's nice to finally receive some recognition. Most of that can be attributed to office politics because there was always someone "ahead" of me that needed to get an award first. There were so many times that it was "my turn" and the award program was ended. After a while I stopped even hoping that I'd get any awards. It's not like my work ethic ever changed - I do what I do because that is just who I am. My work isn't dependent on awards or pats on the back. It might sound ungrateful, but I don't really need a "trophy". I work at home and no one will even see it. I don't even have anyone to tell. 

On a positive note, I got a lot of work done today. I was able to close out a bunch of projects, follow up on some that have been lingering and start wading through the new ones. I'll be working until 7 tomorrow and Thursday and possibly until 6 on Friday. My boss offered 8 hours of OT and I'm taking all I can get ! I'm looking forward to having a super productive day tomorrow !

Yesterday I finished exploring the 5 stages of grief. One thing to remember is that grief doesn't have a schedule and we all go through the stages at a different pace. I was remiss in not mentioning that the loss of my mother factors into this discussion. I don't know that I've truly grieved for her, because if I'm honest, I pushed her away long before her passing. Now, I'm left with a sea of regrets. I've said before that I can't stand weak people, but I'm coming to realize that *I* am the problem. I came across this insightful gem today:

When you run away from all of your problems, you eventually run from yourself. You forget the person you could be if you stayed in one place, worked through your downfalls, accepted your shortcomings and then overcame them. You forget that there’s a version of you who is reliable and passionate and strong. You lose the sense of pride you used to have from persevering.

Because when you run away from all of your problems, you run right into infinitely more. You create a world within yourself that must be tiptoed through and gets over-turned with ease. You are a land mine of unfinished wounds that bleed again at the slightest scratch. You find yourself having to constantly run further, harder, faster, to avoid what you are carrying within yourself. The further you run from your problems, the further you run from yourself. And the harder it becomes to eventually find your way back home.

Wow. That is pretty much me in a nutshell. What really resonates with me is the statement "You are a land mine of unfinished wounds that bleed again at the slightest scratch."  That is totally me. It doesn't take much to send me back to the dark days. I have run from my problems for the past 25 years or more. I blamed Alex for most of it but I let some of it happen. A few years ago I started pushing my mother away when political discussions became too intense. I used to call her every night and I cut that off because we continually argued. It was frustrating to me that she believed everything she read or heard online. Well, that was MY problem. I could easily have just agreed with whatever she said or changed the subject to more pleasant things. I'm sure it hurt her when I stopped calling but I didn't care. I also didn't visit her much when she was moved to the nursing home. It was too painful and another example of running away from my problems. That shows a very ugly side of me that I am not proud of. I can't change it now so I live with that regret. I didn't see my dad much in his final days either, mostly because Alex was hospitalized at the same time and I was working full time and had dogs at home. My dad actually passed away the day Alex was being discharged from the hospital. Alex's passing was sudden and unexpected - I was at work and came home to find him gone one day in August 2014. 

After work I went and took a shower because I knew if I sat down and had dinner first I'd never get there. After dinner I checked in on my bank account to ensure my credit card payment posted (it did) and applied some gift cards to my Nutrisystem account for my next order. I save $60 (20%) on every shipment by buying gift cards from Costco. I also watched some YouTube video's. It's just about 10 pm and I'm going to feed the cats and then head for bed.