Day 116: Who's Defensive ?

 

Today is day 116 of Nutrisystem 2.0 and it's the last day of April ! It was 50 degrees when I woke up just after 8 am. Looks like we've reached the point where daytime highs will be in the 50's and 60's, but today and the next few days are expected to be rainy. I guess the April showers have arrived a little late !

Breakfast was a 270 calorie Jimmy Dean Delights breakfast sandwich. I didn't have a morning snack. Lunch was a 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. Afternoon snack was 80 calorie cottage cheese & 90 calorie oatmeal cookies. Dinner was green beans and a 250 calorie meatloaf sandwich. Evening snack was a 130 calorie carrot cupcake. Total calories are 1040.

I got up today feeling pretty sluggish and I think not taking my vitamins is a part of the problem. A week or so back I didn't feel good one evening and I blamed it on taking all the vitamins at once, so today I took a couple with my breakfast (multivitamin & evening primrose oil) and a few more with my afternoon snack (E, zinc, iron, potassium & selenium), followed by calcium with my dinner. At bedtime I took magnesium & Metamucil. We'll see if they settle better this way.  

I've reached the last sign of Self-Sabotage and the final item is Defensiveness. The article has this to say:

Self-saboteurs may hide emotional weakness under a strong and/or happy mask. These people may get defensive when others try to get close to them. Defensive self-saboteurs may have difficulty living in the present moment and end up pushing people away to avoid getting hurt emotionally.

Well, I can't deny this one but I'm not sure I 100% agree with the entire paragraph. It talks about getting "defensive when others try to get close to them". It also talks about having difficulty "living in the present moment" and I'm not sure what that even means. I don't know that I get "defensive" when others try to get close. I would say these days I would be more suspicious than anything. Is being suspicious considered defensive ? Perhaps that is what the author is trying to convey. Regardless, I have definitely pushed people away to avoid getting hurt emotionally. I've done that for years. That's why I find myself with zero friends and no close connections to my family. My feelings do get hurt easily and I do avoid situations where I might get hurt, but I've attributed that to my avoidant personality. I guess maybe the self-sabotaging behaviors and avoidant personality are all intertwined. At this point in my life I don't know how to make friends and being that I work from home now, there are few opportunities to meet people. Some days it's hard not having anyone to talk to. When my sister came to color my hair I thought we could hang out for a while but she packed up and left right after the color was on my hair. She had plans with her husband, so it's understandable, but I was disappointed. I guess I'll just have to resign myself to being a lonely old lady. After the article outlined the 7 symptoms, it goes into identifying if you're a self-sabotager, the impact it can have on your life and how to stop it. I will address each of those sections in the next 3 blogs.

Today was grocery day, so I headed out around 1:20. There was light rain falling and it pretty much rained the entire time I was out. First stop was Delta Sonic to gas up. Cost me over $50 ($3.44/gallon) for just under 15 gallons, so I'm glad I don't drive much these days ! Next step was Christmas Tree Shop because I had a coupon to get 25% off my purchase. Even though I switched to Wegman's brand k-cups, I picked up three 80 count boxes of the Victor's coffee that I used to buy all the time. With the discount I saved about $3.20 per box, so $9.60 over Wegman's price. Well, I spent the savings on stuff I shouldn't have bought but none of it is candy ! They have these 100 calorie cookies packs that make a great snack, so I bought 8 boxes. They also have these "tea" cookies that are really good. Sometimes I just want a cup of coffee and a little snack, so these tea cookies are perfect. They're hard and crunchy and not super sweet. I also found the pretzel chips with cinnamon sugar on them that I used to buy all the time ! Last I knew the company had stopped making them and I was crushed. Apparently they decided to start making them again, so I bought 4 bags. I am going to work really hard to make this stuff and not indulge myself every day. The plan is no more candy and I feel like the stuff I bought are healthier and definitely lower calorie items. Next stop was Wegman's. Lettuce was back in stock so I grabbed 2 heads. I was going to stop buying cucumbers but I got them anyway and discovered they have raised the price $1, from $3.99 for 3 to $4.99. They're the big English cucumbers, so that price is not awful. I may stop buying them because I really don't like them. I started adding them to my salads as "filler". A bag of celery sticks was $2.79 ! Granted, there is no waste and they're convenient so I either have to start buying the whole bunch and chop it up myself or just use less. Problem with buying the whole bunch is there is so much waste, so I'm not sure that's the answer. I also bought 2 bags of radishes. I really like them and they were only $1.99 a bag, so I could just stop using celery and add more radishes to my salads. Shredded cabbage is also an option to give more crunch to a salad. I also bought the usual whipped cream & oatmeal cookies. I also grabbed another package of feta cheese, so I won't need to buy that again for a while. Last stop was Walmart. I picked up frozen green beans & broccoli but couldn't find riced cauliflower. That seems to be hard to find right now. I also grabbed a couple bottles of my fat free salad dressing and I got the last 2 jars of pickled onions ! I picked up a new shampoo & conditioner to try - it's purple ! I feel like my hair color is too yellow (brassy) and "they say" purple shampoo will help tone it down. I'm going to give it a shot next time I wash my hair. I washed it today so it'll be a few days before I wash it again. What's the worst that can happen ? I also found vitamin E and Evening Primrose Oil so I picked those up. I still need to buy Selenium, which Walmart doesn't seem to carry, and magnesium. I still have a couple weeks of both so there is no rush. I think I'm going to try another variety of magnesium because the stuff I have just tastes so awful. Walmart has several options so that'll be on the list next time I shop. I have enough of all of my other supplements.

Although I bought a bunch of what could be called "junk food" at CTS, I managed to stay away from the pizza area at Wegman's and the DQ drive thru, so that is a win ! I was hungry when I got home just before 4, so I fed the cats and then had my afternoon snack. I may not have gotten on the treadmill this weekend but I got some things done, so that is a win ! I actually really enjoyed my weekend more because I got some things done ! Too often Sunday night rolls around and I wasted the whole weekend. I was thinking today that I'd like to get the Total Gym set up this week and start working on that again. I like to watch tv in the evening and I can easily use the Total Gym while doing that. 

It's nearly 8:30 and I'm tired, so I'm going to refill my water bottle, take my mag & Meta and then head for bed. Goal for this week is at least 2 treadmill workouts per day (unless I work OT) and take all my vitamins. Thursday is my monthly weigh in and photo update and I'm hoping to be under 230.