Round 4: Day 1: Feeling Alone

 

Today should have been day 206 of Nutrisystem 2.0 but I haven't really been doing 2.0 for a while, and 2.0 should really have been called 3.0 because it wasn't the first time I "restarted" this journey. In reality, if I'm being honest, today is the start of Nutrisystem 4.0 or Round 4 of my weight loss journey. Here I am, needing to lose 100 pounds AGAIN. Here I am, depressed. Here I am, defeated. Here I am, trying again anyway ! The first journey started January 4, 2019. I started again July 24, 2021 but didn't put much effort into it. My third try, dubbed Nutrisystem 2.0, started January 4, 2023. Again, I didn't put much effort into it. So, my 4th attempt starts today July 29, 2023. Big fat stretch goal: lose 100 pounds by July 29, 2024 ! Yes, I feel alone but the reality is this is a journey that you have to take alone. No one can do it for you. Yes, it would be nice to have someone at my side cheering me on but I don't have that. I have to be my own cheerleader. I have to encourage me. I have to be proud of me. I have to motivate me. I think loneliness is part of the reason I eat. Losing mom didn't help but this slide started long before her stroke and death. Months of uncertainty with my job didn't help either, but again this started long before that came up. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I expected a man to come into my life after I lost the weight, and when that didn't happen I stopped caring. The stupid thing is I don't really want a man in my life. I want men to admire me but I'm not interested in a relationship. So the problem is really just me. So I have to fix it or accept being fat for the rest of my life.

Goals are important so my first realistic goal is reaching 199 again. I'd like to be there by 12/3 when I go to Disney, but I think that's an unrealistic goal. I didn't weigh myself this morning, so I will do that tomorrow. I'm going to guess I'm back at 250 pounds and that's why the goal is losing 100 pounds. I can do it, I just need to put my mind to it again. I look back at pictures of me in 2021 and I looked so good. I'm so sad that I didn't care enough about myself to maintain the loss and I really want to get back there. 

I woke up around 8 am and the rain rolled in shortly after I got up. In a surprise, my new doorknob sets from Home Depot arrived ! I got 100 text messages and emails this week saying they would be delivered on Monday, so I wasn't expecting them today. I installed a set on the bathroom door. It only took a few minutes and worked perfect. They are well worth the $11 I spent for each set ! That door hasn't had a working knob for at least 10 years, so it was high time .. lol ! I'm going to use the single doorknob from that door to repair the door in the breezeway that is missing a knob. I need to consult with my siding guy about that since we're planning on refacing the door and I need to remove part of the existing assembly in order to fit the replacement knob. I may use the second set of knobs I bought to repair the closet door in my bedroom or just keep them for a spare.

I challenged myself to start a 7 day detox today. It's pretty drastic and I can't promise I will stick to it for 7 days, but I am going to try hard. I've been on a sugar and carb free for all and going cold turkey is the only way I'm going to break away from that. I've proven that I can't do moderation. One bag of chips becomes 6. One cookie becomes a whole package. One candy bar becomes 3 or 4. Every time I indulge a craving it backfires. Going for ice cream on grocery day turned in to buying several cartons of ice cream. Having hot dogs at a family cookout turned in to buying packages of hot dogs and eating 2 a day. I bought all these snacks for the siding guys and I'm probably eating more of them than they are. I will continue making them available to the crew and worry about the remains when the time comes. I will not be eating any more of them right now. Any candy bars that are left can go in the freezer. I'll have to figure out what to do with the chips and cookies. Some items do qualify as a smart carb or power fuel, so I can eat them over time.

Breakfast was a vanilla shake with peanut butter powder (155 calories) and morning snack was Metamucil (30 calories). Lunch was a chocolate shake with peanut butter powder (155 calories) and a bag of green beans. Afternoon snack was a can of peaches in sugar free syrup. The label says the entire can is 110 calories but I always drain the liquid, so the calorie count may be slightly less. Probably not much less as they're packed in water sweetened with Splenda. Dinner was another 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder (155 calories) and a big bowl of broccoli. Evening snack was another shot of Metamucil (30 calories). Total calories for the day is 635. I'm not bothering to count the veggie calories as they don't contain sugars or fats that would contribute to weight gain or impact blood sugar. This is a drastic calorie reduction but it's only for today and tomorrow. Monday through Friday I plan to have a salad at lunch but I'm going to go easy with the add-ins, especially the feta cheese & the Kalamata olives, as they have the most calories. I will also go easy with the dressing, even though it's low fat. I waited as long as possible to eat today, so that I wouldn't end up starving in the evening. For example, I had my "lunch" shake at 2:45 pm and held off my "afternoon" snack until just after 5 pm. I was pretty hungry and those peaches just disappeared ! The stretch from dinner to bedtime is where I usually get into trouble, which is why I tried to eat later than usual all day. I had my dinner broccoli just after 6:30 pm and waited until 8 to have my shake. I had a cup of coffee from earlier in the day hanging around so I microwaved that and held off on my shake until after 8:30.

I debated whether to have the shake for dinner or cook a Nutrisystem entree, because I was worried about being hungry all night. In the end I decided to just go with the shake instead of using the fear of the unknown as an excuse to deviate from the plan. Monday I am adding salad at lunchtime, so I don't expect to be quite so hungry. I'm also going to grocery shop tomorrow and stock up on veggies. I will allow myself unlimited quantities of green beans, broccoli, brussel sprouts and carrots so I'm going to buy fresh and roast up a pan of them on Monday. Tomorrow I will do the same as today. The goal here is to "shock" my system a little.

I'm telling myself that being hungry is not a bad thing. Being hungry means I'm in a calorie deficit. Being hungry means losing weight. The start of any diet should result in your being hungry. I remember the very first week I did Nutrisystem, I ended up having yogurt at bedtime because I was starving. I'm going back and reading about my first journey and looking at photo's of where I was, in an effort to motivate me. My first day of Nutrisystem I had a bar for breakfast, a shake without peanut butter powder for morning snack, three cheese chicken for lunch, chicken alfredo for dinner and a chocolate caramel bar for an evening snack. I was starving at bedtime so I had that 150 calorie yogurt I mentioned. I bought a case of bottled water for the siding guys but they bring their own, so today I decided to use a bottle to mix up my Metamucil. Wow - it tastes so much better with ice cold water ! I'm going to use up the bottled water and then buy a pitcher to keep in the fridge. Tap water just doesn't get cold enough, especially in summer. I use ice in my shakes so I will continue to use tap water for those.

I feel like I've reached the mindset I need to get back on track and be successful with Nutrisystem again. This 7 day detox will help me break free of the sugar and carb cravings. Oddly enough, the shakes did not seem sweet at all and that is unusual. The Metamucil also didn't taste very sweet. Is this a good thing ? I hope so ! I've been on a bit of a carb bender lately, even though I know that the more carbs I eat, the hungrier I get. Protein is what keeps you full, so I feel like the protein shake 3 times a day will help me be successful. In the past I always limited the shakes to once a day because they are "expensive", yet I had no problem shoveling down boxes of cookies, gallons of ice cream and pounds of chocolate ! This is how idiotic my mind can work at times. Today I am committed to having 3 shakes a day if that is what it takes to get myself under control and back to losing the weight. I'm thinking I will do "shakes only" 1-2 days a week once I go back to the full Nutrisystem plan.

Saturday August 5 I am going on an evening cruise and will be eating dinner out with the family. The plan there is moderation and making healthy choices for that one meal. I plan to have 2 shakes and some veggies before I head out that day.

In addition to getting my weight loss back on track I need to get self care back on track. I haven't been showering or brushing my teeth every day. Starting today I will shower every night and brush my teeth two or three times a day.