Last Round - A New Plan

Great things happen to those who don't stop believing,

 trying, learning, and being grateful.

I don't even know "what day" of Nutrisystem this should be and really, it doesn't matter. Suffice to say I've been off track for the first 8 months of this year. I've made zero progress towards losing the 80 pounds I've gained. I've continually sabotaged myself and I don't know why. I'm calling this the Last Round because I want this to be the last time I "start" this journey ! It doesn't mean I'm giving up ! I've also decided to only post weekly updates. There are many days that I don't feel like posting a full blog, so this is a compromise.

*** Most of the content below was written on Sunday 9-17 ***

I really want to get this journey back on track, but I haven't yet had a "perfect" day. This is keeping me from "starting" again ! This realization is giving me some insight into a big part of my problem ! I wanted to start again yesterday, but "blew it" with Poptarts. SO FUCKING WHAT !! Stop trying to be perfect ! I have to give myself credit for having no more ice cream in the house. No more hot dogs. No 

 I made an impulse purchase last Saturday night - an exercise bike ! I've been thinking about it for a while and toyed with the idea of getting a road bike. The problem with that is the dangers of riding outside and I'm not willing to put a bike rack on my car to travel to safer areas to bike. Also, you can't use a road bike if it's raining or snowing and I wanted a year round option. Walmart had a basic Proform bike for $300 with free shipping so I ordered it. It was delivered Tuesday 9-12 and I unboxed it during my lunch hour Thursday 9-14. All the reviews indicated I'd need a bigger and better seat, so I picked one up yesterday at Walmart. I did most of the assembly on Friday 9-15 and finished it off yesterday with the tablet holder and the new seat. I got on it a few times to tweak the seat and handlebar settings. It's not a "smart" bike but I can use the iFit bike videos in unpaired mode. That just means it won't record things like speed, distance and calories, but I'm ok with that. If I fall in love with biking I can always get a fancier (and more expensive!) one some day. 

I've come to the realization that food is still comfort. With my mom gone I'm lonelier than ever and food fills the gap. The slide back into my old habits started long before Mom had her stroke, but her passing accelerated my dependence on food for comfort. So I have to get back to working on that. 

One thing I've done too many times lately is buy foods I am "craving", only to not enjoy them when I eat them. Several times I bought chinese food at Wegman's and it just wasn't good. I also got takeout from my local chinese place and that wasn't very good either. What I REALLY want is the chinese I used to have at Turning Stone Casino. Well, I'm not going there to get that for several reasons. #1 being I would end up there for the entire day and I'd blow a ton of money. #2 I would stuff myself on the chinese ! #3 I'd be tempted to fall back into that weekly casino habit. So I'm done with chinese. I've been to DQ a couple of times because I wanted the chocolate covered strawberry blizzard. I always get the 1/3 pound burger combo and the last 2 times I've gone the burger was dry. The last time I went the burger was dry and the fries were lukewarm. $17 out the window each time. The blizzard is always good, so if I go there again I will just get a small blizzard. The craving for the blizzard led me to buying ice cream again. I started out buying strawberry ice cream and chocolate chips, to emulate my favorite blizzard. Well, it was good but not the same. It really wasn't what I wanted. Plus a half gallon of ice cream and 2 pounds of chocolate chips = many servings. I would be better off to just stop at DQ when the craving is too overpowering. I'm learning the hard way that there are different ways to give in to a craving and I'm not choosing the best ones. A couple weeks ago I bought a quesadilla and a package of roasted potatoes at Wegman's. This was my latest "craving". In reality I was craving tacos and the potatoes were just an impulse buy. The quesadilla was good but the potatoes were ordinary and had rosemary on them. This is one spice I do not care for. I finally bought all the stuff I needed to make tacos and that was a healthier splurge. I don't put a ton of meat & cheese in my tacos and I bought low carb tortillas and light sour cream. I had them 3 times and froze the remaining meat for another time. Saturday I gave in to candy and cookies and pizza on my shopping trip. I'm going to try harder to enjoy the candy in extreme moderation. 

With the bike ready to go I'm actually excited about getting on it ! My plan starting today was treadmill at lunch and bike after dinner. Once I'm comfortable with the bike I'm going to try getting up a little earlier and getting a quick ride in before work. 

I also want to get a YouTube channel started ! I did record an initial video but it was too long for a first upload (over 30 minutes) and Youtube wouldn't upload it. I'm actually glad it didn't. Why ? Well, I fell back into victim mode and the video is too negative. I didn't delete it but I don't plan to upload it. 

Yesterday started off as a moderately successful food day. Breakfast was waffles with sugar free syrup and a yogurt. I had 1/2 of a pizza for lunch followed by the last 2 cookies from the package of 10 that I bought Saturday. Yep - 10 cookies gone in less than 24 hours. Around 5 I had some cottage cheese because I wanted to take my vitamins. I haven't been taking them for some time and I actually had to empty my pillbox and refill it as the multivitamin was discolored. They'd been in there a while so a refill was a good idea. Dinner was the remains of a bag of chicken tenders, with a fair amount of ranch dressing. Dessert was a Nutrisystem cupcake with whipped cream. I managed to get through the entire day with no candy and that is a win ! 

Another thing I've been struggling with is my evening routine of showering and brushing my teeth. I showered around 4 yesterday because I felt so gross, but going forward I will be showering every night AND brushing my teeth. I've avoided brushing my teeth at night because it interferes with eating candy in bed ! I managed to brush my teeth and do skincare before bed last night, so that is another win.

I feel different today. Despite the cookies and the pizza and the candy, I feel like I am ready to get back to the hard work that is needed to get this weight back off. With the new seat the bike is very comfortable. I just have to figure out how to use the cages on the pedals. Strapping my feet in is going to take some practice. My Hoka's are too big for the cages, so I'm going to try wearing a pair of Skechers. If I don't like the cages I can always swap out the pedals.

One thing I've been spending too much time on is online slot games. I'm playing 2 different games and chasing challenges every single day. Starting tomorrow game time will begin at 8 pm, which gives me plenty of time after work to have dinner, exercise and shower. I also need to reformat my weekends to keep on my exercise plan.

The weather is changing fast and I'm sad to see summer coming to a close. I had a great summer ! July and August flew by because of the siding project but I enjoyed the warm and sunny days. I also enjoyed mowing the lawn ! I am still mowing and I need to get out there with the weed trimmer, but I won't be doing it much longer. It'll be nice to pack up the batteries and chargers for the winter ! I spent a lot of time with family and we have a train excursion coming up on 10-1 to see the leaves in the Adirondacks. I'm also planning a pasta dinner on 11-5 for everyone. Then in December it's off to Disney with Lauren !

Next weekend I have to get myself ready for an office day on 9-25. Although the commute is 90 minutes each way, it's only once a month and I'll be riding with a colleague. I just have to drive to Oswego (about 20 minutes) and park my car. Once I've been to Rochester a couple times I'll be comfortable driving myself if I ever need to. Driving to new places scares me ! It's going to be a long day because I plan to get up at 4 am and won't be home until about 7 pm. I plan to do my hair the night before and then just wear it up. It'll be nice to hang out with Chuck but I'm embarrassed by my weight. We haven't seen each other since March 2020 and I weighed a lot less back then. 

*** The content below was written on Sunday 9-17 ***

Today I was awake at 5:15 and got up around 6. I had 2 Poptarts with my first cup of coffee. I'm not going to obsess over that. I woke up with them on my mind and I'm done with denying myself everything.

Got an email from JetBlue about my flight to Orlando in December. I booked a non-stop flight that has now turned into an 8 hour flight. The first change involved a 3 hour layover in Boston and now the layover is at JFK for 4 hours ! Ugh - not a good start to the week ! I plan to pack very light for this trip since more than half of the clothes I took last time didn't even get worn. Leggings, lightweight tops and a couple hoodies will do the trick. If the weather is forecast to be warm I may pack 1 pair of shorts or capri length leggings. If we have fine dining planned I will bring 1 dress and a pair of shoes. I'm leaving my hair dryer home this time as the hotel provides them. I also plan to buy a new carryon that spins, so it will be easier to maneuver through the airport. Packing lighter means my carryon and tote bag will be lighter, which will help during the 4 hours I have to lug it around JFK ! 

Once the siding project completed I noticed the house is much quieter ! I used to hear all of the traffic noise on 104. When the house was gutted after the fire they were supposed to insulate all the walls but I suspect they didn't do that or if they did, they use the cheapest and thinnest insulation they could find. I'm really hoping the house will be warmer this winter and that my heating bills will be a bit less. 

*** onward ***

So today is Wednesday 9-20 and I still haven't "started". Tuesday was going to be the day and then it was upended by yet another change in my flight to Disney. They rerouted the layover to JFK and lengthened it to 4 hours ! We opted to cancel this flight and I booked a new one via Delta. It's going to cost me a couple hundred dollars more but the layover is only an hour and it's in Atlanta ! Hopefully Delta doesn't pull the same games that Jetblue did. I spent much of the day fighting with Jetblue to get a refund to my credit card. They are telling me my only option is a travel credit good for 1 year. I filed a complaint with the US DOT and I will dispute with my credit card if I have to. I received an email stating my itinerary was canceled, but nothing about a refund or travel credit - so I will keep an eye on my credit card. I know refunds don't post overnight.

So today is Thursday 9-21 and I said to myself "today is the day to get back on track". A big part of my problem is mental. If I don't have my treadmill shoes on when noon rolls around, I use that as the excuse not to exercise. Today I was determined to conquer this by whipping up my protein shake and putting those shoes on ! Well, that didn't happen. Why ? Well, I didn't get dressed before work because time was short and once I dove into work the morning flew right by. Before I knew it, it was noon and I hadn't gotten dressed, hadn't had my yogurt from breakfast and I hadn't made a shake.

From a food perspective, I feel like I'm still a bit out of control. I bought 2 pizzas at the grocery store, along with a big box of jalapeno poppers. The pizzas were 4 meals, so that's not the end of the world. I haven't opened the poppers yet. I finished the bag of chicken tenders I had and I don't plan to buy them again any time soon. I did buy another package of Johnsonville sausages, but compromised with 45 calories a slice bread. Candy in the evening is still a problem, but I'm trying a little harder. I did finish a bag of fruit Tootsie Rolls (another craving) and don't plan on buying them again anytime soon. I do still have mini candy bars and a big bowl of original Tootsie Rolls, but I'm not stuffing myself with them. I didn't take any food to bed with me last night, so that is a win !

From a personal care perspective, I'm still a bit off. No shower or teeth brushing last night. No vitamins yesterday either. So the goal for today ended up being as follows:

• - all vitamins consumed
• - no food in bed
• - shower before bed
• - teeth brushed before bed

These are very reachable goals. Stretch goal, set around 12:50 pm, was to do a bike workout after work OR mow the lawn.

*** Sunday September 24 ***

Today was the eve of my first jaunt to Rochester for my monthly work day at the office. I took a ride to Oswego yesterday to find the place I'm meeting Chuck, and it's a good thing I did ! Why ? Well, despite my GPS I got a little lost ! For some reason, Google Maps audio doesn't always work in my car. I am SURE it is some setting I need to fix. Nevertheless, I finally found the place and it is EASY to get to and has a good size parking lot. It does involve driving up a steep hill and that might be hairy in the winter if the roads are bad, but there is an alternate route that doesn't involve the hill, so that is an option. I wish I could say I spent the day getting ready for that but in reality I spent the bulk of the day sitting on my fat ass. I did make a list of what I need to bring tomorrow and I packed my work equipment and some of my food items, but that didn't take long. I also set an alarm for 4 am. It's going to be tough to get up at that hour ! I also started a list of what I need to pack for Disney. I am good at making lists, but I need to work on my execution of the tasks on those lists ! 

My biggest accomplishment today was giving the bike a try and completing a treadmill workout ! I figured out that I had the seat positioned too far back so I had to stop and adjust that several times. The cages on the pedals were easy to adjust and they will fit my Hokas. I worked out with Skechers today but those do not work for the treadmill. My heels are sore (no socks) so going forward I'll be putting on the Hoka's for exercise time ! I only spent about 8 minutes actually pedaling the bike, but it's a start ! I did complete nearly 24 minute treadmill workout. That's nearly 30 minutes with the warm up and cool down. The speed of the workout did not exceed 2.5 mph but it had some inclines up to 6%. I was a little out of breath at first but it didn't last long ! I realized that I CAN do this again ! I will have to work hard to build up my endurance but I can do it if I try. I feel good about finally conquering the exercise demon that has been haunting me. I had a really hard time accepting that my former level of endurance is gone and I'm right back to being fat and lazy. My timing is not the best, since there will be no workout tomorrow, but I don't plan to let that be an excuse to avoid the treadmill Tuesday ! 

I'm not 100% sure about the bike just yet. I need to experiment with the seat, as I think I have it set too low and too far back. Let's be brutally honest - it's not easy to bike when you have a huge fat ass. The bike should become easier to use once I start to bring my weight down. I'm not giving up on it - I'm still going to use it every day starting Tuesday !

From a food perspective, I did well today. Breakfast was french toast with sugar free syrup and a yogurt. I have been having a few cookies with my yogurt (dippers!) but I'm going to wind down that habit. Lunch was a pepperoni pizza melt. I had a chocolate protein shake with peanut butter powder just before my workouts. Afternoon snack was cottage cheese and peaches. Dinner was ________. Evening snack was ___________. I did have a few pieces of Chex Mix that I impulse bought yesterday (more on that later), as I packed a baggie of it in my lunch bag for tomorrow. 

So the Chex Mix was an impulse buy only because it was displayed right at the door of Walmart, so it was the first thing I saw on the way in ! I had planned to go the Walmart in Oswego yesterday but after finding the place I'll be meeting Chuck I was on autopilot towards home. I ended up going through Mexico and heading to Walmart in Central Square. I needed a wireless mouse for the office and didn't want to have to go out again today to shop. Although I impulse bought 2 bags of Chex Mix (1 original, 1 turtle) I managed to avoid buying pizza, ice cream, candy and cookies. I picked up a few clothing items, a bag of dry food for the strays, travel size items for Florida (shampoo, conditioner, mousse, hair spray, toothpaste, mouthwash, face wash, moisturizer) and some whipped cream. I also bought some Starbucks coffee drinks that come in glass bottles. If I leave right on time tomorrow I plan to stop at Dunkin (they open at 4 am!) but I wanted to have another coffee option as well. I may microwave the drink as I'm not too fond of cold coffee. We'll see how that goes !

I hate that I have to leave Abby for over 12 hours, but I plan to feed her as soon as I get up and leave 2 full cans of food out for her before I leave. She has access to dry food at all times, so she will not starve. Minnie doesn't rely on the canned food and seems to prefer dry, so I'm not so worried about her. I used to leave the cats all day on my weekly casino jaunts, so this isn't much different AND it's necessary ! They will be fine but I still feel bad.

My plan for tonight is dinner at 6:30, shower at 7, slot app quests at 8 and then bed. I plan to take 1 benadryl at bedtime to help me sleep. Taking 2 would be best but I'm afraid I'd be too groggy to get up at 4. I can survive one day a little sleep deprived !

*** Monday 9-25 ***

Well, my adventure to Rochester turned out to be a bit more than I expected ! I had no trouble - got up right after 4 am, fluffed my hair, fed the cats, had breakfast, threw on some makeup, got dressed and had time to spare before heading out the door just before 6 am. I stopped at Dunkin for a coffee. Made it to Oswego with no trouble and only had to wait a few minutes for Chuck. We hit a little traffic in Rochester and didn't quite make it to the office by 8 am. We found the office pretty easily and settled in to our drop in cubes. I had no trouble logging in and had everything I needed ... and then there was Chuck. He forgot his secure token and after hours of trying various things we ended up calling it a day just before noon and headed home, with the full support of our boss. I got home just before 2 but then had to log out for lunch .. lol ! I fed the cats and fed myself and decompressed a bit from my chaotic morning. I was glad to be home early but a little disappointed that the day turned into such a fiasco. I even reminded him last week to make sure he didn't forget the token. Next week I am texting him the night before and the morning of to make sure he has everything ! We're going to leave 15 minutes earlier to try and make it there by 8 am, so I'll be out of the house at 5:45 !

The drive to Rochester was fine. Chuck and I have always gotten along and share the same views on everything, so we had a lot to talk about ! Once at the office I reheated my coffee and that was a nice treat. I didn't dare drink it in the car because I was afraid I'd have to pee and it was a long trip ! We're going to try going to the office again next Monday 10-2 to satisfy our "once a month" obligation ! It bothers me a little that he never apologized for ruining the day. Being irresponsible really irks me and I think a lot of that is because of the train wreck Alex turned out to be. I had to run around behind him and clean up his messes and he never really cared. I get that same vibe from Chuck and it makes me wonder if ALL guys are like this ! I have little experience with men, so it's hard for me to know what is "normal".

From a food perspective, today I had waffles with sugar free syrup and a cup of coffee before I left home. Once at the office I had that XL Dunkin coffee with cream and sugar and a Nutrisystem cinnamon roll. Before we left the office I had my protein shake. Once I got home I had a pepperoni pizza melt and salad.

In happy news, I got my FULL refund from JetBlue ! I don't know if it's because of the complaint I filed with the US DOT, but I'm happy to have my money back. I'm so happy to be booked on a Delta flight now with layovers in Atlanta, which is their hub and a much nicer airport than JFK.