2023: Begin Again
2023 has arrived and I've spent the past 10 days winding down 2022 and thinking ahead to the goals I have for the New Year.
2022 was not a good year in many ways. My weight spiraled out of control, and it only got worse as the year went on. My mother's stroke in July and death in August just devasted my entire family. I used it as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted and not exercise. I struggled on and off all year with getting back into my Nutrisystem "routine". I had good days and I had not so good days. I started and stopped so many times. In the end I decided to just "let it go" until the holidays passed. This was an immense relief and clearly the right thing to do.
As if my mother's death wasn't enough, we also lost a very close family friend in November. This is someone we've known for over 30 years. So, two families were devastated by losses in 2022. The gentleman who mows my lawn and plows my driveway also suffered a devastating loss - cancer took his wife the day after Thanksgiving. A very dear former colleague also lost her husband in 2022. 4 families devastated, in my little corner of the universe.
The year wasn't all bad. January to July were pretty normal. Mom and I spent our Saturdays at the casino, and I spent my weekdays working from home. My job has remained the stable part of my life and for that I am grateful. My brother hosted 4th of July for the first time, and it ended up being the last event mom would attend. We had such a fun day and had no idea that 2 days later life would change. Once mom had her stroke life changed but we never expected to lose her a month later. We all fully expected her to recover, but that was not to be. I take comfort in the belief that she is with my dad, and they are at peace together. My dad passed away in January 2012 and mom missed him every day of the over 10 years they were apart.
Once mom was gone came the task of caring for her estate. None of us enjoyed going through her things and it was sad to give things away or bring them to our own homes. I think she'd be happy to know all of her things didn't end up in other people's hands. Many of her Christmas ornaments were on my tree this year. The final task is selling the house and that transaction will complete soon. I will be relieved when that final piece is done because I feel like only then can we truly move on.
November also saw me host my annual pasta dinner for my family. Taking place the day after we laid our family friend to rest, it was a welcome distraction for all of us. We also shared our usual Thanksgiving celebration at my brothers house, but we all missed mom a little more that day. December 7th my own life took a turn when I came down with the flu. I didn't leave the house for 10 days and even now I'm still working on regaining my strength. I was pretty sick for a bit and missed 4 days of work. It wasn't covid as I tested negative. Fortunately, I had done some Christmas shopping before I got sick, but an Amazon order and some gift cards finished the job for me. I missed out on my younger sister's Ugly Sweater party on 12/10 and our annual Polar Express train ride on 12/16 but I was able to make an appearance for cookie baking on the 17th. It was exhausting for me, and I didn't do much, but I'm glad I went. I spent Christmas Eve with my brother and his wife, and we had a nice evening watching Christmas movies and playing Mexican Dominos. My older sister hosted Christmas and that was another fun day. I got a lot of nice gifts and I feel so blessed. For New Year's Eve I went to Point Place casino with my older sister, brother-in-law and one of my nieces. We had a prime rib buffet that was NOT worth the $57 it cost but I won $500 at the slots ! I was up $150 as midnight approached and I decided to sit down at mom's favorite keno machine and play $20 in her honor. I lost that first $20 so I put $20 more in. I was playing mom's numbers and all 6 of them came in, which was a $390 win ! We all agreed mom was present in spirit ! I stopped going to the casino in mid-October and I don't regret that decision. It just wasn't fun anymore and I was throwing away too much money. I had a bit of an epiphany the last time I went. I decided to go to Upstate Tavern. They seated me in a tiny booth in the bar that everyone passes as they enter and leave the place. I felt pretty pathetic sitting there all alone and I wondered why I was even there. I enjoyed my favorite meal and the dessert my mom and I used to share and I was done. I closed the chapter and haven't looked back. It's nice to see my bank account growing again !
Every event after mom's passing was a "first" without her and it was hard. We shared a lot of memories, and we will carry those with us always. We went through the same thing when dad passed and in reality, every child will go through the loss of their parents, so we are not alone in that. It's something you know will happen, but you are never ready, and it is always too soon.
I've been on vacation, so I've spent the past 10 days relaxing and reflecting on the year I've just had and the year to come. My first priority for 2023 is regaining control of my weight and getting back to where I was. I have a closet full of clothes I cannot wear because I've gained so much weight and I'm both sad and angry about that, because I've done what I swore I would not do. The journey back will NOT be easy, but it is a journey I have made before - so I know I can do it. Getting my exercise program on track goes hand in hand with this and I will again be working on consistency. My second priority for 2023 is some home improvements. I am planning to have my house sided in the Spring. I have a few other things I want to do (new garage door, new front door, new basement stairs, new porch windows, landscaping) but all of that will depend on how much the siding costs me. So, I have some good things to look forward to ! I'm happy to say I've stayed out of credit card debt since I resolved in 2019 to pay off my credit cards. I only use one card now and I pay it in full every month.
I first started Nutrisystem on January 4, 2019. I lost over 150 pounds and I've gained 90 back. I weighed myself today at mid-day, fully dressed. I weigh 247 pounds. I took "before" pictures, and they are hard to look at.
Tomorrow is my last "free" day when it comes to food, but I don't plan to go crazy eating. How did I gain 90 pounds? Well, lots of ice cream and candy and very little exercise. I never stopped eating Nutrisystem food, but I snacked a lot. Saturdays at the casino meant a big restaurant meal and (sometimes) dessert ... with a sugar filled coffee (or 2) and a pastry. Sunday grocery trips often ended with a stop at DQ for a burger, fries and a medium blizzard. I'd also come home with donuts or cookies. I bought pizza a few times and I'd eat half in one sitting. Halloween was an excuse to buy giant bags of candy. Eating in bed came back into my life and I'd get "nervous" if I didn't have food in my bedroom. Just another old habit that roared back. It should be noted that ALL of this started long before my mother passed away, so I can't (and won't) use that as an excuse. Regardless of circumstances I chose what I put in my mouth. Once mom had her stroke, I'd go to the casino alone and eat in the food court. That always meant General Tso's chicken and an order of pork dumplings. I'd also have that coffee and pastry. Very often I'd being cake or candy home from Opal's at Turning Stone casino. So, I've been out of control for a long, long time. When I got the flu I didn't eat for a few days and once I felt like eating, I couldn't stomach Nutrisystem food. My taste was "off" and I couldn't drink coffee either. I was too weak to go the grocery store so the day before a snowstorm was to hit, I decided to sign up for Instacart, so I'd have some food in the house. I will be honest - I loaded up on comfort food. My old friend chicken tenders and ranch dressing .. Stouffers frozen mac & cheese and Stouffers "bowl" with mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and fried chicken nuggets. Milk and raisin bread rounded out the order, along with some chicken noodle soup and crackers. A week later I got a second delivery of the same frozen items, and I added hot dogs, bread and cheese (for grilled cheese) added. All of that is gone except for a couple cans of soup. Last Thursday I went to Costco with my older sister, and I circled that place 100 times looking for the big bucket of sea salt caramels they used to have. Apparently, they don't have them anymore and I'm kind of glad, because I have no discipline when it comes to sweets. I always say I'm just going to have 1 or 2 but then it becomes 9 or 10. I ended up buying some mixed nuts and some 100 calorie packets of cookies. I also bought a 6 pack of apple cinnamon muffins. I've eaten 3 of them and put 2 in the freezer. The last one I will eat tomorrow. I will also finish the package of hot dogs and be done with that. I never did have the grilled cheese, but the cheese will keep. I will freeze the bread I have left. Nutrisystem is a low carb program and carbs are my Achille's Heel. The more carbs I eat, the more I want. They feed my hunger. I KNOW THIS - I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THIS - AND YET I CONTINUE TO GIVE IT TO THEM ! So this time around if I absolutely need to eat something I will have a few nuts or a bit of cheese to satisfy my hunger. Protein is always going to be a better option.
I'm actually kind of excited about starting over. I think my prior success makes me more confident that I will succeed this time around. I know I can do it because I did it before. Today I cut up a big bowl of greens and toppings for salad that will last through Friday. I also went to the grocery store and bought some veggies. I've gotten tired of the big pans of mixed roasted veggies, so I'll be cooking individual servings each evening. I was glad to come home from the store with only the items on my list !
In the past I blogged about my weight loss journey publicly. This time around I'm taking the journey private. Let's be honest. I hate the way I look and I'm so embarrassed that I've gained so much weight. My goal is to get back to 160 pounds, so I have 87 pounds to lose. In the past there were weeks that I didn't lose any weight and I lied about it in my blog, because I felt like it was a failure to not lose something every week. I put so much pressure on myself because the world was watching. In reality only a couple people read my blogs, but I still felt like I had to be "perfect". This was all stress I put on myself and this time around I need to focus 100% on the task at hand, rather than worrying about what anyone else thinks.
So there you have it, this is where I am today. It's Monday January 2 and I'm heading for bed since it's back to work tomorrow !
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