Day 8: You Are Enough

 

Day 8 of Nutrisystem. Today was my first weigh in and, to be honest, I was disappointed. I'm at 240, which means a loss of 5 pounds since January 4. I can console myself with the fact that I've lost 7 pounds since January 2, but it's not enough. This is a problem, because most people would be thrilled to lose 5 pounds in a week or 7 pounds in 9 days. I'm not. I feel deflated and I'm very disappointed. Maybe that's because it means I still have 80 pounds to go to reach 160, and that's hard to accept. Maybe it's because I don't think I'll be at 199 or below by Easter and I want to "wow" my family. Attention seeking ? Sure, it's some of that. Maybe it's because I just want all the weight to fall off overnight, even though it took over a year to put it on. I remember towards the end of my first journey I just wanted to be "done". This is why I declared I had reached my goal weight of 150, even when I hadn't. The lowest I got was 156, which was close enough. I was tired of the public struggle. I felt like I would never reach 150, and I never did. This is part of the reason I've chosen to go private with round 2, but it's mostly because I'm embarrassed and ashamed to have gained all this weight back. Clearly, I learned nothing.

At this point, I need to think back to January 4, 2019 when I started the original journey at 304 pounds and faced the prospect of losing 150+ pounds. That should have been a whole lot scarier than losing 87 pounds. I think it's important to examine how I'm feeling and remember this next time I'm tempted to indulge. I need to put things in perspective and understand that 5 pounds in a week is a great accomplishment. My disappointment is completely related to the fact that I set ambitious and unrealistic goals and that I expect way too much from myself. I am still setting myself up for failure and when you do that, disappointment is going to be the norm. Back in 2019 I lost 8 pounds my first week, but I was on the "fast start" plan and only got about 800 calories a day that first week. I weighed in at 291 pounds on this same day 4 years ago. The second week, when I moved up to 1200 calories I only lost 3 pounds. June 1, 2019 I was at 240, which is where I am today. I lost 64 pounds in 5 months. That's pretty impressive ! Can I do that again ? I don't know, they say it's slower when you have less to lose, so I don't know. I'm only a week in and a lot of what happens is up to my body. I can starve it and torture it on the treadmill, but in the end it will do what it wants. Regardless, I am in this for the long haul and if that means 1-2 pounds a week, so be it. When it comes to what I'm eating there is little I can change as I'm staying under 1200 calories and I keep the extras to a minimum. Does the sugar free syrup make a difference ? Nutrisystem says no. I don't count my salad dressing now, and I never did before. I also don't count the peanut butter powder that I add to my shake. Even if I counted all these things I would still be at or below 1200 calories, so I don't see a problem. I'm not drinking enough water, I know that. This is mostly because it's winter. In the summer I had no problem guzzling 80 ounces of water but it's a real struggle in the winter. 

After a bit of a morning pity party I had breakfast around 10 am. It was a 260 calorie Jimmy Dean Delights breakfast sandwich. I skip the yogurt when I have this item, because of the calories. Morning snack was a 120 calorie chocolate shake. Lunch was a chef salad and 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. Afternoon snack was 80 calorie cottage cheese and 80 calories of fruit, which was the remainder of the mandarin oranges with a bit of pineapple. Dinner was a 220 calorie chicken fettuccine alfredo over riced cauliflower with the rest of the roasted carrots. Evening snack was a 130 calorie mint ice cream sandwich. Total calories for the day are 1110.

Not gonna lie, I was not motivated to work out at noon. I had a fleeting though of skipping it, but I chased that away and got it done. Today was 19 minutes with a few 2 minute intervals at 2.8 mph and a couple 1 minute intervals at the same speed. There was some brief incline, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. Rest speeds were 2.5 mph and these were 1:1 intervals. During the workout I told myself "You can either give up or you can work harder. Your choice." My choice is to work harder. Maybe a couple more workouts over the weekend would have made a difference. The exact weight on the scale today was 240.4 .. a couple extra workouts might have dropped me into 239 .. who knows ! It can even be fluid retention - I've seen the scale drop several pounds overnight in the past. I don't count fractions of pounds, even though the scale displays them. The bottom line is I lost 5 POUNDS this week ! I need to be proud of that and I need to use that to encourage me, instead of letting it defeat me. I have always been super hard on myself and this is just another example of that. I know all of this stuff, yet I feel powerless to change how I respond to it. After work I completed a 13 minute walk at 2.2 mph. I'm repeating part 1 of Tommy Rivs "Road to Recovery" series because they're easy walks and perfect for where I am right now. There is a part 2 and a part 3, so I have plenty of workouts lined up for after work in the weeks ahead. Including warm ups and cool downs, I put in 44 minutes on the treadmill today. I'm happy with that right now, but I'd like to bump that number up when my endurance and stamina are better.

After my workout I relaxed a bit and then got to work cleaning litter boxes. I could easily have sat on the couch all night but I'm going to try and make myself move more in the evening. There is a lot I could be doing around the house. One thing I plan to do is empty the closet in my office and reorganize. A lot of the stuff in it can be moved upstairs to the spare bedroom. I also need to sort out my workout clothes as many of them do not currently fit. I do plan to get back into them but at this point I need to see what I have that fits. I also have a new filing cabinet that needs filling, so I have lots of papers to organize and file. Christmas tree still needs to come down as well.

So I lost 5 pounds this week and the goal for the week ahead is to work out x2 tomorrow, x3 Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Monday is a holiday but I am going nowhere. I will also try to drink more water each day for the next week. I thought about trying to eat more vegetables too but hunger or feeling like I'm not eating enough hasn't been a problem, so I see no reason to try and force more veggies. I have all the things mentioned in the last paragraph that I can work on, so I have no reason to be bored and thinking about snacking. I will make a grocery trip but that won't take long as I don't need much. Sunday or Monday looks like the day to shop as it's going to be super cold on Saturday.

Well, I'm off to bed. It's been a week or more since I snacked in bed. I'm amazed at how easily I broke that habit. Really, I'm amazed at how easy it's been to return to Nutrisystem. I guess, like the first time, I was just ready to address the problem. The first time around I was in fear of losing my job and having to go job hunting as a 304 pound middle aged woman. This time around I am doing it because I liked how I looked at felt at 160 pounds. I want to get back there and I want to believe that I am enough.