Day 60: Crossroads .. already.

 

Day 60 of Nutrisystem 2.0 kicked off just after 8 am. I weighed myself first thing, hoping to see 227. Well, I saw a 2 .. and I saw a 7 .. but there was a 3 in the middle instead of a 2. Yep, I weight 237. So I've lost nothing since the last time I weighed myself. I wanted to cry.

Breakfast was 160 calorie buttermilk waffles with sugar free syrup and an 80 calorie yogurt. I didn't have a morning snack. Lunch was a 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt. I didn't have an afternoon snack. Dinner was broccoli and a 180 calorie jalapeno & white cheddar stuffed chicken stick. This is a new item and I was hungry so I microwaved it. The flavor was great but microwaving leaves it soggy, so going forward I will air fry them. Evening snack was a 140 calorie chocolate cupcake. Total calories are 780. I did have 2 Reese's eggs and that adds 170 calories, to that brings me up to 950 for the day.

It's hard when your day is destroyed the moment it starts, but I told myself "actions have consequences", because they do. Did I really think I could eat pizza, muffins, cookies, 2 big bags of mixed nuts, cans of baked beans, scones and other assorted items without it impacting my weight ? I should be happy that I didn't gain ! Needless to say, the 2nd container of caramels has been stashed in a cabinet. I haven't eaten any of the Hershey Kisses. I did have a second Reese's peanut butter egg last night. Two of those is 170 calories. So I had 1210 extra calories yesterday. That is a FULL DAY of calories ! 

I spent the morning working, it kind of took my mind off my weight. I was able to tee up a bunch of stuff to work on Monday and that was my only goal. I could easily have spent the entire day working but I logged off around 12:30 pm. I got dressed, put on my Hoka's and checked my iFit schedule. I had a 38 minute walk in Namibia scheduled and I added a 36 minute walk in the same place. Then I sat on the couch for the rest of the day. Yep - did not exercise and didn't feel much like eating. I didn't even take progress photos. Maybe tomorrow.

We did get a significant amount of heavy wet snow last night but it had stopped by the time I got up and we had nothing more than flurries and a brief snow shower here and there today. Doug plowed my driveway first thing this morning so I could have gone out, but ended up staying home.

I know it's my own fault, but I just feel so defeated and deflated. I had such high hopes for today's weigh in. Again, I have no one to blame but myself, but I feel so, so sad. I'm so disappointed in myself. I think I've put more effort into fitness than I have diet, and although that's great it's clear that what I'm eating is the bigger issue. I set a new goal today and that's to be at 227 by April 9, which is Easter Sunday. The ironic thing is I feel like I've lost more than 10 pounds. My stomach has gone down a lot and I just feel lighter. So am I losing inches without losing pounds or am I just fooling myself ? I suppose either is possible, but the number on the scale is still way too high. I still need to lose 77 pounds. I could easily sit here and continue to drown my sorrows with chocolate and other yummy things, but that would only do more damage and leave me feeling even worse. 

So I'm back at a crossroads. Buckle down and be successful. Give up and get fatter and fatter until I die of diabetes or stroke or heart disease. Keep doing what I'm doing and stay stuck. Go to extreme measures and starve myself and exercise until I drop. I'm choosing to buckle down and be successful. Yes, I have chocolate in the house, but the fact is I have to live with that need and keep working on moderation.

I'm choosing to buckle down and be successful. Honestly, I don't know how I'll do that. I don't have a lot of "snacks" in the house, other than Nutrisystem, so that is good. I've decided I have to stop calling any food item "bad". Nothing is bad. I said a long time ago that I didn't want to attach negative emotion to food, but I still find myself doing that. What IS bad is overindulging - this is where I struggle. Those caramels I brought home last night aren't "bad". Eating the entire container in a couple hours is bad ! Pizza isn't bad. Eating HALF of one is bad. You see where I'm going ? Portion control and moderation. Ok - I bought the bargain pizza at Walmart 2 weeks ago. I could have cut it into 4 pieces, had 4 meals and paired each portion with a salad or veggie. Instead I cut it in 2 pieces and had 2 meals. The night I made scones, I didn't need to eat 5 of them, nor did I need to polish off the remaining 7 the following day. What I'm seeing is that by denying myself so many things for so long I've made it nearly impossible to practice moderation. My Valentine's Day splurge didn't help. I've made popcorn a couple times in the past few weeks and ate the entire huge bowl each time. I could have made a much smaller batch and not stuffed myself. I've resolved not to make it any more. I wanted to buy some Skinny Pop at Wegman's last night but I couldn't find it. I know they have it at Costco and Christmas Tree shops, so if I happen to go out tomorrow I'll try and get some. Costco has the individual 100 calorie bags and those would be perfect. Pop Secret makes 100 calorie microwave popcorn packs, so that's an option too if I see it at the grocery store. Bakery muffins are out for good because the calories in them are just astonishing. I am going to get some extra Nutrisystem items, like cinnamon rolls (180 calories) or cherry cheese rolls (160 calories), next time I place an a la carte order. They also have shelf stable chocolate muffins (180 calories) that are really good. If I'm craving carbs or something sweet, having one of those is a better choice. I feel like I've got fitness under control so I need to refocus on what I'm eating. 

On that note, don't ask me why, but I just ordered 3 tubs of milk chocolate sea salt caramels. 6 pounds. I saved $6 and got free shipping .. lol ! *facepalm* My mom loved these and I think eating them makes me feel a little closer to her. She used to get them at Costco but they no longer have them, so I ordered directly from Sanders website. I'll stow them in the fridge (2 in the freezer if I have room) and make them last. I also ordered a couple of cordless cellular shades for my office from Walmart. I have sheers on my windows but I wanted to be able to have a little more privacy.