Day 143 to 148: Burning

 

Today is day 148 of Nutrisystem 2.0, not that it much matters. The situation with my job has crushed me. There is zero focus on calories and exercise. I haven't been on the treadmill in over a week. 

I spent the last 5 days spiraling back to the depths of depression. My vacation started at 5 pm on Friday. Saturday I had promised to give my niece a break from her dog sitting duties so that occupied much of my day. I also went to the grocery store. I haven't been out of the house since. My vacation has been spent sitting on the couch, scrolling through my phone and watching or listening to a never-ending rotation of YouTube videos. My subscribed channels were background noise and the only available source of comfort. The days ran into each other and I went through the motions. Get up, feed cats, feed self, sit on couch, go to bed. I didn't shower. I didn't write. Most days I didn't even get dressed. As I wallowed in my situation, I swore that I would give myself until June 1 and then start climbing out of the darkness. That is where I am now. I started writing this after 10 pm. 

It is the uncertainty that is killing me. I still have hope that by some miracle my team will be granted an exception and be allowed to carry on, as we have for the past 4 years. Our leadership doesn't seem very hopeful and I have no way to know if they will fight for us. It seems pretty hopeless. It doesn't help that our stock price has tanked and eliminating jobs is how they always prop it up, because paying a fat dividend to shareholders is more important than retaining good employees.

To that end, tonight I applied for a new job as a Project Manager with US Bank. I probably won't even get an interview, but I need to start getting serious about finding something else. The job pay range is $140k to $190k and they asked for a Masters Degree or equivalent work experience. I think my 38 years of experience is worth a whole heck of a lot more than a Masters Degree, but they may not agree. If nothing else, applying for the job forced me to create a resume, which I can tweak as needed. They're a government contractor, so the fact that I already have clearance to work on Federal accounts at AT&T might be in my favor. If they offer me the job I might just take it even if AT&T is willing to keep me !! I'm sure they won't but at least I tried. There is a staggering number of jobs posted on LinkedIn so I will definitely apply for more as time goes on. I haven't heard from my friend, so either there is no job there or the email went to her spam folder. I will check in with her next week to see what's up.

I am doing my best to come to terms with whatever is going to come next. I still hold out hope that I will not have to change jobs, so I am hoping for the best and trying to prepare for the worst.

It's hard.