Day 149: Finding A Way Back

 




Today is day 149 of Nutrisystem 2.0 and it's still hard to focus on that.


Breakfast was 150 calorie pancakes with sugar free syrup.

It's Friday and my vacation is nearly over. This is probably the first vacation that I did not enjoy. There is no happiness in this dead space between being employed and the prospect of being unemployed. It's the first vacation in years that I didn't go to the casino. No - that's not true. I didn't go in November or December during vacation. I did go on New Year's Eve but I wasn't technically on vacation. Next Thursday would have been my mom's 83rd birthday and we'd have spent it together at the casino. Considering the fact that I may be losing my job, I'm glad I gave up the casino nearly 8 months ago, because that allowed my savings to grow a bit more than they otherwise would have.

I started writing this post around 11:30 am and at the same time I was trying to motivate myself to get off the couch and do something - anything ! My sister is having us all for a cookout on Sunday and I committed to making a potato salad, so I need to grocery shop for that. The lawn also needs attention either today or tomorrow. None of it seems to matter because I'm still finding it hard to climb out of the deep sense of despair I'm feeling. I'm so afraid of whatever is going to come next. I do not want to start a new job. I want to spend the next few years doing what I've been doing for the past 38 years. I am comfortable, I am well-respected, I am well paid. I'm happy. There it is yet again. The minute I am happy something happens to take it all away. Apparently I am not deserving of happiness and someone, somewhere out there in this vast universe it making sure I never forget that.

Searching through the job ads on LinkedIn is like falling into an abyss, because there are so many. You can get lost in them and I end up lamenting all the lost opportunity in my life. I could have obtained a useable degree at little cost to me but I gave up that dream after one of my bosses told me I didn't need a degree to get ahead. That was true if you were only looking for a job within AT&T. Now that I find myself looking outside, it's apparent the lack of degree will likely exclude me. My age may also be held against me. It's unfortunate because I've outlasted and outworked those with the fancy degrees. Does a degree automatically trump 38 years of hard work ? I suppose it depends on the hiring process. In the event I actually score an interview I'm sure all hiring managers will be far younger than me and have far less experience in their own position, yet they'll be judging my worth. 



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